[Circulation] Happy Thanksgiving Break, and Fwd: Navigating Difficult Holiday Conversations

Tue Nov 26 12:46:44 EST 2019

Hello All, 

Thanks for working here this semester!  Just a reminder that we are open
until 8 tonight and re-opening with regular hours and shifts Sunday.  I
hope you all have a great break!  I'm forwarding this advice regarding
navigating difficult holiday conversations for anyone who needs it.  It
was shared on the college's spiritual life mailing list. 

Suzanne
---
Suzanne Karanikis
Circulation Supervisor
Harold F. Johnson Library
Hampshire College
893 West Street 
Amherst, MA 01002
phone: 413-559-5762
fax: 413-559-5419

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: [Spirituallife] Navigating Difficult Holiday Conversations
Date: 11/26/2019 12:00 pm
From: Hampshire College <spirituallife at hampshire.edu>
To: <spirituallife at lists.hampshire.edu>

NAVIGATING DIFFICULT HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS 

Conversations with loved ones during the holiday season can be
wonderful, but they can also be fraught. Communication may be
particularly stressful when there is a dissonance between the way in
which you've changed and grown in college and the ideas your family
wants to uphold. Family members may not like or comprehend the knowledge
you've gained or the person you've become. Here are some tips that
may help you to navigate difficult holiday conversations: 

Use "I" statements and try to be emotionally open if possible.
Family members might sometimes make hurtful statements to "debate"
or "challenge" you. Making "I" statements and stating how their
words have affected you is often most impactful. For example, it is hard
to deny or further debate someone when they say  "I am deeply hurt by
what you just said. I feel find it hard to be at ease. I hope you can
please understand how I've been impacted." 

As discussions often may quickly become defensive, prompting questions
might slow down the conversation. For example, "What did you mean by
that?" "What is the key message you are trying to convey?" "Can
you help me understand what led you to that?" Why is this important to
you?" 

A helpful starting phrase to disagree is "I hear that, and I also want
to push back on…" It is important to acknowledge the views of
others. By listening, you can show regard for opposing viewpoints even
while pushing back against them. Be true to yourself and stay confident.
If you are comfortable, you could share a few experiences that have
shaped or changed your thinking and why. While you probably can't
change the views of others by arguing with them, they may at least hear
yours. 

Practice emotional honesty and encourage others to do the same, in order
to find where dissonance lies. For example, a family member may have
told you to "not cause a disruption" when really, they may be having
a difficult time saying "I wanted our guests to have a good time at my
place. It hurts that I care so much and you don't seem to care." You
can countiue from that point. 

Assert your boundaries. Make it clear that harmful behaviors (like
cursing, yelling, or put downs) will result in your withdrawal from the
conversation. It might also be helpful to give notices. For example,
"I have asked you to please not raise your voice, if this continues I
will not be able to converse with you." 

          Family members may knowingly or unknowingly use hierarchy to
assert
power. It can be difficult to defend yourself to someone who "has more
power than you." Examples may include threatening to withdraw
financial support, coding disagreement with others as disrespect towards
elders or patriarchs, or making frequent cut offs and disregards based
on identity(s). Pay attention to the way you are feeling, and assess
whether it is more healthy for you to politely change the topics or
withdraw from the conversation. 

          Cultural context matters. In collectivist cultures
specifically, an
individual doesn't merely represent themselves, but also their
community- positively and negatively. It may be effective to revisit
discussions in a more private setting, so family members are less
worried about saving face. People often respond differently in private
versus public contexts.  

          If all fails, remember self care and self preservation comes
first.
Taking a moment to take a deep breath and returning to your center are
good ways to process thoughts and emotions more clearly. You might take
a walk, sit outside, listen to your favorite songs or podcasts, call a
friend who understands you, etc. Allow yourself to take as long as
necessary before returning to the situation. 

Try not to let the anticipation of uncomfortable conversations with
family bring you down this holiday season. However, acknowledge and
attempt to accept when unwanted feelings do arise, and do your best to
adequately respond to them and take care of yourself. We hope that you
enjoy your holidays! 

 Courtesy of the Spiritual Life Office

Spiritual Life Office- Dakin (next to Dakin Living Room)
Spiritual Life Center- Greenwich Donut 5

For questions, contact David Ko (dko at hampshire.edu) 

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