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<div class="pre" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; font-family: monospace">Thanks for working here this semester! Just a reminder that we are open until 8 tonight and re-opening with regular hours and shifts Sunday. I hope you all have a great break! I'm forwarding this advice regarding navigating difficult holiday conversations for anyone who needs it. It was shared on the college's spiritual life mailing list.</div>
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<div class="pre" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; font-family: monospace">Suzanne<br /> ---<br /> Suzanne Karanikis<br /> Circulation Supervisor<br /> Harold F. Johnson Library<br /> Hampshire College<br /> 893 West Street <br /> Amherst, MA 01002<br /> phone: 413-559-5762<br /> fax: 413-559-5419<br /> <br /> -------- Original Message --------<br /> Subject: [Spirituallife] Navigating Difficult Holiday Conversations<br /> Date: 11/26/2019 12:00 pm<br /> From: Hampshire College <<a href="mailto:spirituallife@hampshire.edu">spirituallife@hampshire.edu</a>><br /> To: <<a href="mailto:spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu">spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu</a>><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> NAVIGATING DIFFICULT HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS <br /> <br /> Conversations with loved ones during the holiday season can be<br /> wonderful, but they can also be fraught. Communication may be<br /> particularly stressful when there is a dissonance between the way in<br /> which you’ve changed and grown in college and the ideas your family<br /> wants to uphold. Family members may not like or comprehend the knowledge<br /> you’ve gained or the person you’ve become. Here are some tips that<br /> may help you to navigate difficult holiday conversations: <br /> <br /> Use “I” statements and try to be emotionally open if possible.<br /> Family members might sometimes make hurtful statements to “debate”<br /> or “challenge” you. Making “I” statements and stating how their<br /> words have affected you is often most impactful. For example, it is hard<br /> to deny or further debate someone when they say “I am deeply hurt by<br /> what you just said. I feel find it hard to be at ease. I hope you can<br /> please understand how I’ve been impacted.” <br /> <br /> As discussions often may quickly become defensive, prompting questions<br /> might slow down the conversation. For example, “What did you mean by<br /> that?” “What is the key message you are trying to convey?” “Can<br /> you help me understand what led you to that?” Why is this important to<br /> you?” <br /> <br /> A helpful starting phrase to disagree is “I hear that, and I also want<br /> to push back on…” It is important to acknowledge the views of<br /> others. By listening, you can show regard for opposing viewpoints even<br /> while pushing back against them. Be true to yourself and stay confident.<br /> If you are comfortable, you could share a few experiences that have<br /> shaped or changed your thinking and why. While you probably can’t<br /> change the views of others by arguing with them, they may at least hear<br /> yours. <br /> <br /> Practice emotional honesty and encourage others to do the same, in order<br /> to find where dissonance lies. For example, a family member may have<br /> told you to “not cause a disruption” when really, they may be having<br /> a difficult time saying “I wanted our guests to have a good time at my<br /> place. It hurts that I care so much and you don’t seem to care.” You<br /> can countiue from that point. <br /> <br /> Assert your boundaries. Make it clear that harmful behaviors (like<br /> cursing, yelling, or put downs) will result in your withdrawal from the<br /> conversation. It might also be helpful to give notices. For example,<br /> “I have asked you to please not raise your voice, if this continues I<br /> will not be able to converse with you.” <br /> <br /> Family members may knowingly or unknowingly use hierarchy to assert<br /> power. It can be difficult to defend yourself to someone who “has more<br /> power than you.” Examples may include threatening to withdraw<br /> financial support, coding disagreement with others as disrespect towards<br /> elders or patriarchs, or making frequent cut offs and disregards based<br /> on identity(s). Pay attention to the way you are feeling, and assess<br /> whether it is more healthy for you to politely change the topics or<br /> withdraw from the conversation. <br /> <br /> Cultural context matters. In collectivist cultures specifically, an<br /> individual doesn’t merely represent themselves, but also their<br /> community- positively and negatively. It may be effective to revisit<br /> discussions in a more private setting, so family members are less<br /> worried about saving face. People often respond differently in private<br /> versus public contexts. <br /> <br /> If all fails, remember self care and self preservation comes first.<br /> Taking a moment to take a deep breath and returning to your center are<br /> good ways to process thoughts and emotions more clearly. You might take<br /> a walk, sit outside, listen to your favorite songs or podcasts, call a<br /> friend who understands you, etc. Allow yourself to take as long as<br /> necessary before returning to the situation. <br /> <br /> Try not to let the anticipation of uncomfortable conversations with<br /> family bring you down this holiday season. However, acknowledge and<br /> attempt to accept when unwanted feelings do arise, and do your best to<br /> adequately respond to them and take care of yourself. We hope that you<br /> enjoy your holidays! <br /> <br /> Courtesy of the Spiritual Life Office<br /> <br /> Spiritual Life Office- Dakin (next to Dakin Living Room)<br /> Spiritual Life Center- Greenwich Donut 5<br /> <br /> For questions, contact David Ko (<a href="mailto:dko@hampshire.edu">dko@hampshire.edu</a>) <br /> <br /> This email was sent to <a href="mailto:spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu">spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu</a> <br /> _why did I get this?_ [<a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/about?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">1</a>] unsubscribe from this list [<a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/unsubscribe?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">2</a>] update<br /> subscription preferences [<a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/profile?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">3</a>] <br /> Spiritual Life · 893 West St · Amherst, MA 01002-3372 · USA <br /> <br /> [<a href="http://www.mailchimp.com/monkey-rewards/?utm_source=freemium_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=monkey_rewards&aid=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&afl=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">4</a>] <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Links:<br /> ------<br /> [1] <a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/about?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/about?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb</a><br /> [2] <a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/unsubscribe?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/unsubscribe?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513&c=f25c789dcb</a><br /> [3] <a href="https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/profile?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://hampshire.us5.list-manage.com/profile?u=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&id=5e3c26eae9&e=591163c513</a><br /> [4] <a href="http://www.mailchimp.com/monkey-rewards/?utm_source=freemium_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=monkey_rewards&aid=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&afl=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">http://www.mailchimp.com/monkey-rewards/?utm_source=freemium_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=monkey_rewards&aid=67100a7f9b377ac3d6acc6a4f&afl=1</a><br /> _______________________________________________<br /> Spirituallife mailing list<br /> <a href="mailto:Spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu">Spirituallife@lists.hampshire.edu</a><br /> <a href="https://lists.hampshire.edu/mailman/listinfo/spirituallife" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://lists.hampshire.edu/mailman/listinfo/spirituallife</a></div>
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